FUCKINGAYDANA, I lost my phone. =((
Whoever the lucky bastard who found it is, you’re fucking lucky. But you will have your fucking day. Oh, and, fuck you. ..|..
Hoshi, you are, what people commonly call, M-U-L-A-L-A. Fuck you too.
Please disregard the last number I used. I will inform you when I get a new phone and number.
This is a calling, I say. A calling join the emo side. I think I’ll go listen to some Dashboard Confessional songs right now.
From here on, unless I get an iPhone to replace the Nokia5310 I lost, I will most likely lock myself in an extremely emotional state of emo, if that’s even possible. I will feel oh so sorry for myself and, in time, learn to cut myself. On the wrist. With a razor. Yes, the usual ‘emo’ way. My actions, mellow, an unusual characteristic for me. And most of the time, I will stare blankly into space, as if thinking, but, in reality, I have my mind blank. So blank, I will sometimes forget to breath, or even keep my saliva in place.
I will be having my hair cut soon. I’ll be getting a layered hair-cut,to lessen the light hues of my hair, and show the darker parts of it. I will even have it colored a dark shade of reddish violet once it grows even the slightest bit past my shoulder. Plum, maybe? Burgundy? Maybe wine-red, I’m not sure. Anything to match my mood.
My gloomy, darkened, demotivated mood; I see no purpose in it.
Fuck it.
Maybe I should get a diary.. And eye-glasses with thick, black rims to match.
Tell Me One
"Well, tell me one thing I don’t know about you.", I inquired, smiling softly.
He paused for a moment, somewhat thinking. Yes, he can, actually, think. "One thing you don’t know about me is that…"
Then, turning to look at me, he grinned, so flipping wide, it would have put the Cheshire Cat to utter shame and disgrace.
Leaning in, he whispered, "I’m AMAZING."
Love And Hate | Comment (0)I Love Grapes - by HosHi
It was a hot summer day.
Everyone was busy, busy, busy. Fish, beef, pork, and different kinds of meat could be seen everywhere! It was practically flooding with fruits and vegetables of different shapes, sizes and color. The place was filled with people selling various stuff. It was smelly and moist and just plain sick to the core.
This place was the marketplace.
I looked around. My mother was talking to a vendor who sells fruits. She was holding my hand tightly, as if I would evaporate in a second. I had been told that if I would let go of her hand, people would come and get me. “Big scary strangers who would pluck your eyes out!” my brother had said to me, laughing like a maniac, before we left the house this morning. Well, I’m not so sure about that. I think they just want to suck out my brain. No one’s THAT heartless.
Anyway, I noticed a girl, crying and shouting at her mother. Why was she crying? Did she lose her dolly? Hmph. I really don’t get what’s so great about those dolls. Toy cars are much better to play with.
“Mama, why is that girl crying?” I tugged on my mother’s pants. “Come again, dear?” She looked at me questioningly. “Why is that girl crying?” I repeated, gesturing to the girl bawling in the middle of the crowd. “Did she die?” My mother suppressed a laugh. “Of course not, honey. Maybe she wants her mother to buy her something. A toy of some sort, perhaps.”
“Then why won’t her mama buy her one?”
“Maybe they don’t have enough money.”
“Oh…” My gaze shifted from my mother’s eyes to the sobbing little girl.
A while later, when the little girl and her mother had left, we went past a tiny stall. And there, I saw the cutest thing I had ever seen in my entire life. They were purple, dark of the kind, and their petite roundness made them look… chewy. The way they were sprinkled with water made them look so fresh and juicy. Like if you bit into one, half the content would be deliciously flavored water.
‘I want one…’ But how will I get one? Mama is talking to some old woman wearing a ragged dress. I pulled slightly on her cargo pants. No such luck. I remember the girl earlier. Her mother had her full attention on her. ‘But why?’ Think. Think. Think. Maybe it was because she was crying . . . Or shouting. Aw, what the heck. I’ll give both a shot.
“Mama! Mama!” I cried AND shouted out. “What is it, baby?” My mother had her attention on me now. Just like I had planned.
“I want to buy something.” I pointed to the objects of my desire. “I want those. Please, mama, please!” I pleaded. “The grapes?”
Grapes… it was music to my ears… saying it tasted sweet on my tongue.
“Sorry, darling, but we can’t buy those now… We don’t have enough money.”
“But mama…” Too late. She already had her back on me.
“Mama…” I egged.
“Mama!” She wasn’t listening to me.
I tried pulling on her shirt but to no avail.
I. WANT. MY. GRAPES!
I had to do this on my own. After all, I was already three and a half years old. So I let go of her hand. I LET GO of her hand! ‘This could be fatal…’
Surprisingly, she didn’t notice. Guess she was too caught up in whatever she was doing.
‘Big scary strangers or no big scary strangers, I don’t care if my brain gets sucked out. I’m gonna get my grapes.’ I trotted down to the place where I first saw the ‘Grapes’. Or, as I like to call it, ‘my little patch of Heaven’.
So far, nothing bad is happening. I reached my destination. And they were right in front of me. Those beautiful things… Look at them. Just look at them. All of these… they could be mine. All of them!
I picked a stray grape. Just the feeling of it on my tiny fingers felt… like… like… like I could just eat it now! So I popped it inside my mouth. I chewed. And chewed. Then swallowed.
My face turned dark.
‘This… this is… this is… THIS IS DESTINY!’
Before I could devour more of the things that ALMOST made me forget about money, I heard my mother call out to me.
But I’m not done yet… I can’t leave my babies. I must have them. I will not leave this place empty-handed!
‘I have to use my think!’ I thought to myself. After a few seconds, my face lit up. So did the light bulb above my head. ‘I know…’
- - -
When my mother had reached me, I had my hands behind my back. “There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you! Didn’t I tell you not to let go of my hand?” she said, looking all worried.
“I’m sorry mama… I’ll never do it again.” I smiled sweetly at my mother. “I love you, mama.”
“I love you too…” She hugged me tight and chided me, “You promise you won’t do that again?”
“I promise.” I replied and hugged her back. Well, at least I tried to. If I let go they could- I gasped. “-No!”
They slipped from my hand! No! No! No! How will I eat my grapes now?
“What-” My mother looked at the scattered grapes on the dirty, wet floor. “Where did you get those?”
I pouted at my mother, trying my best not to cry over spilled milk.
“I took them.” I answered, not feeling guilty at all. “Mama, I want my grapes!” I couldn’t control it anymore. My voice was raspy and my tears were already falling like waterfalls. I was crying.
“I’m sorry honey… We don’t have enough money for that. I forgot my wallet at home. And I already told you, we only came here to talk to a friend and…” My mother looked at me. I was bawling, like the little girl I saw before. Tears were cascading down my soft cheeks. I was pathetic and stubborn; a sorry pile of flesh and blood.
She hugged me again, tighter this time. Carrying me, she stood up.
I was so helpless. There was nothing I could do. Everyone was stronger than I was. I can’t protect myself. I was weak. And I hated that. I WILL get my grapes. I WILL get what I want. I WILL have my way. I always have, anyway.
I stopped crying and wiped my tears. Getting upset never lasted long for me. I would always get back to life a few seconds right after I cry. And besides…
I was only acting.
I smirked.
Taking something from my jumper’s pocket, I hugged my mother so she couldn’t take a look at my face.
And I popped into my mouth what I had taken from my pocket. Then chewed. And swallowed.
“I love grapes…”
Childhood Memories | Comment (0)A Witch’s Doll - By HosHi
Hi there! This will be my first fic that is NOT a one-shot. This is the first chapter of the whole thing so I think you guys get the idea that it will not end here.
A Witch’s Doll
“Hey.”
“. . .”
“Want a drink?”
“Iie.” His whisper was barely audible.
“What ya doin’ here at this time of night?”
His gaze shifted from the floor to my suspicious eyes. His eyes so emotionless. His face told me nothing. No hatred, no sorrow, no grief, no guilt, no love. Nothing.
He’s been coming here since that slut started working here. Every night, he would watch her from afar. Secretly, with desire. As she swings her man-scented body around the pole, half naked. Is he in love with that beast of a woman? Such an innocent child would never deserve a harlot like her. Death is what she gets.
Yet he doesn’t know. He doesn’t care. He might be in love. But he could also be deceiving. This child is unpredictable. Very unpredictable.
A couple of investigators have told me about a series of deaths lately. They said that people were slowly burned to death or, just simply, their souls have been ripped apart from their bodies. They haven’t solved that case since they haven’t found one single piece of evidence. The only thing they know is whenever they found a new dead body (or bodies), that kid would always be nearby.
They were sure that the little boy had nothing to do with the murders; their ignorance getting the better of them. Such simple-minded mortals. That’s why they suspected the woman. The woman that danced in his brown eyes of utter nothingness. They were sure that he was being framed by the lady. They were so sure. Too sure.
In any case, I did accept their offer to keep an eye on the both of them. I do what they ask me to do, they pay me a great deal of money. All is well.
My train of thoughts halted to a stop when the lights suddenly went out. It was a black out. Everybody started screaming and running off to different directions and then eventually bumping into one another. They would get hit on the head by accident then fall onto the ground, unconscious. Fools.
It was dark, alright. Too dark to even see anything. But I managed to keep track of what’s happening around here. Of course, I would know. The outage was too sudden. I’m sure it wasn’t caused by a mere power outage. Since there was still light outside in the city. Everything was working out there. It couldn’t have been a blown fuse. I didn’t hear anything. I don’t smell anything burning either. Also, the emergency water sprinklers would’ve gone off.
Something’s up.
Really, working at a pub is way harder than they interpret it to be.
I swiftly grabbed my mini flashlight and went to the main power room. It’s not like I needed the flashlight. It would just catch too much attention if I walked in the dark like I could see everything. But it’s also not like anyone could see. Well, whatever. It could do me good not to waste any energy today.
“Aah!” I yelled as something really hot and quite heavy fell on my legs. Knocking me off balance in the process. As I tried to move the object off of me, I examined it with my trusty flashlight.
“What the Hell!?”
It was a dead body burned to crisps!
“God, this is NOT worth 5,000 yen an hour.” I tried to get up as I continued to complain. Being a bartender is not an easy job, you know.
It was then when I heard another man scream.
In sheer pain this time.
I squinted slightly to look at where the reverberation was coming from. It’s kinda hard to see when there’s a huge table blocking your view, right? And to my devastation, what I saw was the most unsightly, most horrid and most unpleasant thing I’ve ever seen in all the 21 years of my gratified life.
There was a man on his knees, begging for his pitiful life. But he was too late. Every inch of his filthy body was already fierily ablaze. Straight to Hell he goes. ‘Where is your ‘God’ now?’ I thought bitterly. After a few minutes, the guy on fire finally perished. So did the flames that enveloped his skin. They just vanished. Almost. . . instantly.
Then something moved beside me. Something short in height. With long mahogany-brown hair. I looked sideways but didn’t get a glimpse of what was there beside me before. ‘I’m sure it was him.’ Then something stopped in front of me. It was a small boy with a tiny flame ball in his right hand. A flame that was all too familiar.
‘The Spirit Of Fire? I-It couldn’t be. . .’
“Hao?”
HosHi: I had no idea how to end it so…. whatever. I’m such a bad writer! Bad! Bad! Bad! Oh, almost forgot, this fic is dedicated to Rio. Well, here it is! Finally finished it. Hope you like it. X3
I Will Always Bleed Red
Never be weak for your father’s glory
Never give in for your mother’s pride
Emotions are merely imaginary
Take NONE or one’s side. . .
- Hoshi…
Life And Death | Comment (0)Crescent Slavery
I’ve always thought it would end this way
Realizing the depths of my soul isn’t so hard
Our night has fallen, end the day
Still, you have to be on guard
It makes me shiver, your voice
It’s not guilt though, I don’t know
I have always played with my little toys
Like my chessboard, easy to throw
Move like your tears
Be uncaring, be tranquil, be emotionless
Be somber, waste all your fucking years
Rinsing my hair will be pointless
A dragon of fire will never beat the sea
It is none of competency to me
It’s nothing, nothing to see
It’s nothing, nothing to be
I am but a ghost of who I was before
Trying to run off with my body
My oh, so soulless body I tore
I won’t stop, I won’t start sobbing
You can’t touch my heart
You can’t touch my demented mind
Feeling grief is not my part
I don’t care if love is blind
I want you to see
How you are being played
Tell me; tell me how it’s so easy
How you felt when my heart has stayed
Now, give me what you have left
I have come to collect your dreaded soul
Give me your torn body, come theft
In this play, you have no role
- Hoshi…
dedicated po kay dana. or shud i say… ‘kAs’.
hoi! ‘poyem’ ko!!??
Love And Hate | Comment (1)Hi There
Hi there.
This is really my first time writing a letter, so please don’t mind if I sound more awkward than in an actual conversation. I really wanted to say these things to you in person, but certain…circumstances have led me to this form of expressing my thoughts.
We haven’t met for what, two years? It seemed forever. I’ve always wondered why you haven’t kept in touch. You never sent a message, or even visited me.
Maybe you forgot about me.
Do you remember when we first crossed paths? You were casually walking down the dusty streets of my hometown when I tried to make your shiny katana mine. But all I got was the sandy ground as its handle greeted my cheek. I was stunned by two things afterwards: one, the fact that I failed to steal from a dumb swordswoman, and two, that I couldn’t believe that someone that beautiful is now staring at me.
Once I got out of my trance, I immediately apologized for my doing and offered you a tour of the city. I really am a competitive person. I thought of you as my greatest rival. I heard a man from the local pub say that if you wanna hurt someone really bad, become his friend, and then stab his back.
And stab your back I would’ve done, if I hadn’t fallen in love.
Actually I forgot how I got these feelings. I just remember being love struck every single second of my life. I followed you wherever you went. Every wish, every want, I gave. I wanted to prove that I am capable of taking care of you. That I love you. You didn’t mind my presence. Maybe you even found it convenient. I was a servant. A dog. But I didn’t care. I was happy with the thank you’s that barely come out of your lips. They were music to my ears. Food for my soul.
But deep inside I wasn’t. I want to love and be loved in return. I kept hoping, maybe someday she would realize. Maybe she would return my warmth. I wanted to wait and wait, but I couldn’t. It was driving my heart insane.
Sunday. Mist covered the serene town of
Al De Baran
, lazily concealing the moon’s reflection as it hung high in the cloudless sky. The faint gurgling of flowing water fought against the deafening silence.
I was there, waiting for you, up on the bridge that led to the route back to the royal capital. Sitting on the edge, dangling as my feet tried to reach the mist below, I looked around, eyes tracing the empty streets leading to where I am. Windows that glow with warmth of their fireplaces met my sight. The warmth that my heart desperately craves.
I stopped and glanced at the spot beneath me. The keystone. A block that distributes all the weight of the bridge into its legs. Without a proper keystone, the arch would easily collapse even on its own weight. I want to be your keystone. I want to relieve all your burdens.
I turned around. The sound of footsteps reached my ears as a silhouette holding a lamp came into sight, walking towards me. It was now or never. I stood up as you got near. Stared into your midnight-black eyes. And poured my heart out. My fears, my frustrations, and my passion, locked up for years, finally got heard. I’ve never felt this good ever since, since… I can’t remember. Old man Wiley was right. Truth really can set you free.
And bite you afterwards.
We fell silent for a while. Uneasiness immediately came as I waited for your answer. It was nerve-wracking. C’mon, say something. I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke eye contact, and bowed my head. It was then that I noticed a black bag, resting on your right foot. I looked at you with a puzzled face. But I didn’t even have to ask the question, you immediately answered.
All you said was one word. Sorry.
One word. Uttered without one trace of emotion. The same way you would say it when you bumped a stranger while walking.
You shook your head, bent down to pick up your luggage, and walked away, towards the south exit. I wanted to follow, but I found myself unable to. My legs are rooted to the ground. In just a few moments, all of it turned to nothing… my world came crashing down.
I stood there, dumbstruck. That single word, echoing, ringing, in my head.
Sorry.
Have I done something wrong?
Sorry.
Have I not done everything for her?
Sorry.
I touched something cold. I looked down to my hand, and saw the glinting edge of my
Damascus
. Slowly, hands trembling, I held it close to my chest. The cool metal clashed with my body’s warmth.
Why can’t you feel the way I’m feeling now?
I could feel my heart beating. I could feel it speeding up.
are these tears not enough for you?
It didn’t take long for me to decide. I knew what I must do.
Everything happened so fast. I did my best to avoid feeling pain as much as possible. I wanted to end my agony quickly. It didn’t even disturb the silence of the twilight. It was just as if nothing has happened in the tranquil town of
Al de Baran
.
That was our last meeting.
Now, the days never seem to end. All I feel is regret. I’ve lost everything, everything that mattered to me. The world I’m now living in is just a pointless fantasy, a dream that lacks the very meaning of my existence.
I wish that I could turn back time.
I shouldn’t have killed you.
Signed,
Jong
Vintage Dreams
You just stand there, confused
The look on your face, bemused
I wish I could reach out to you
I wish I could touch you too
But I can’t
The message has been sent
I know, I understand
I’ll just have to let go of your hand
Tears have been shed
Blood has been bled
Lies remain untold
I know, it’s getting old
None of those matter anymore
I’m just gonna have to close the door
But no, I still want you
Though there’s nothing I can really do
You just go ahead
Just take her to your bed
Just live your life to the greatest measure of high
And I’ll just kiss mine goodbye
I can wait but I won’t
Don’t look at me like that, please don’t
For once, please let me live
I have nothing more to give
Look at me, I’m talking cliches
With my stupid, emotional ways
So please, let me be
Don’t come near, near to me
For once, will you let me go?
For once, will you let me say no?
Because tonight, my torn heart shall die
And my empty, forgotten soul will cry
I love you. . .
- Hoshi
Love And Hate | Comment (0)Cold Fire
Fire is the icon of destruction
It will burn me if I touch it without instruction
But if I gaze at it without having to cower,
It will flicker in my eyes with such power
You are that flame that dances in my mind
I can see your smirk, oh so unkind
Your lean physique, far superior to your crew
Your brown orbs, which no one can seem to see through
Everytime you talk, it spaeks of charm
Your touch makes me wild, it feels so warm
Everything about you screams enigma
And your element is truly your stigma
You don’t catch me when I fall
You don’t grab hold of my hand and stand tall
But I don’t care, you are what I desire
You are my obsession; you are fire
- Hoshi
(dedicated po kay HAO ASAKURA yan…
I LOVE HAO!!!!!!!!!!)
Anime | Comments (2)I write when I’m depressed. . .
It’s raining hard,
Pouring fast.
The sun has finally frowned
Forever it shall last.
You call for my name
And I smile at you
A smile so soft
Yet so untrue. . .
You look into my eyes
And I look at yours in turn
Touch my hands
‘You will burn’
Kiss my lips
‘You will DIE’.
So hear my words
‘It was all a lie. . .’
- Hoshi
Love And Hate | Comment (1)